Archive for Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Opinion: SI should have hexed Roy

November 26, 2003

In a way, I probably owe Sports Illustrated some gratitude because without reading the magazine as a kid, I probably wouldn't be a reporter today.

Then again, I think of all the times I've stayed here at the office until the wee hours of the morning tripping on eye-popping concoctions of nicotine and caffeine trying to finish stories for the paper and I could pummel somebody with a sand wedge.

Hey, SI, thanks and I hate you.

Anyway, I've been loyal to Sports Illustrated since I was 12 years old when my grandma bought me a subscription. It came with a football phone (which I still have and am proud to say, still use) and an annual swimsuit issue (I only get it for the articles).

But that's as ancient as the Michael Jordan hologram issue (1991).

Today, I stand before my journalistic-contributors eager to wield a punishing printed sword (word) at them. I want to launch a tyrannical Hunter Thompson-esque diatribe unmatched in the annals of hate-mail to the magazine.

Recently, SI disappointed me and, by all accounts, the metropolitan area by placing Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Trent Green on the cover.

Being on the cover of Sports Illustrated is bad medicine; it's like being captain of the Titanic -- you're cruising along peacefully until some womanish freak named Jack starts screaming "I'm the king of the world" from the bow distracting you from the iceberg up ahead.

In this case, the hull crushing iceberg was the Cincinnati Bengals, a team better known for producing the Ickey Shuffle than solid football.

Couldn't SI have just left the Chiefs alone? Just this season? When all was right and the Chiefs were a perfect 9-0, the magazine put Green on the cover and, KA-BOOM!, there went the blemish-less mark.

We're simple folks around these parts, SI. We don't ask for much -- a bountiful harvest, tasty barbecue, a winter that doesn't leave us frozen to the concrete, good Chiefs football and a women's pro beach volleyball team (OK, that one's mine).

We don't even ask that the Royals be all that great. Considering the baseball seasons we've had recently, .500 or near will do most of the time.

But SI had to cross the line. And in more ways than one.

Not only was Green on the cover, you keyboard jockeys also had the moxy to write a billion word story about, boo-hoo, poor ol' Roy Williams, the poster child for evil himself.

Now that would have been a good cover boy. Ol' Tar Heel baby could have been on the cover plummeting the North Carolina program to the pits of Hades where it belongs. (Note: if anyone in the Jayhawk nation has any sense at all, they'll follow my lead and avoid the state of North Carolina like grim death.)

I tried to hate you, SI. I tried and tried and tried some more, but I can't. Your stories are too good, features too sharp, and you guys employ that Rick Reilly fella, who ain't all that bad.

I only ask this: stay away from the Chiefs until after the Super Bowl and for Pete's sake, send me another football phone. After 13 years, mine's looking kind of rough.

Commenting has been disabled for this item.