Archive for Thursday, October 9, 2003

Opinion: Try this

October 9, 2003

This is so I won't get sued.

Last week a friend of mine, Jake Laffere, and I were watching highlights of the Marlins-Giants playoff game when he suggested a strategy Florida should use in dealing with Barry Bonds.

Charge the plate, Jake said.

Drop the glove and bull rush the future Hall of Famer.

Instead of walking Bonds on each at-bat, as the cowardly Marlins did almost every time, Jake said he'd have his pitcher jump Bonds before the home run hitter even stepped into the batter's box.

A thought provoking strategy indeed.

With equal amounts of fear and surprise, Bonds would have to defend himself when faced with a deranged, psychotic pitcher.

The action would most certainly cause a brawl and Bonds could get tossed from the game along with the pitcher, Jake theorized.

"You could even have the catcher jump in," he suggested.

To be fair, Jake was kidding when he suggested his Bill Laimbeer-esque baseball strategy. This is maybe how they play baseball at Fort Leavenworth Penitentiary, I argued.

But, since I needed something to write about this week, I figured I'd run with it. (Jake also said if I didn't give him credit for his suggestion, he'd sue me.)

His idea sparked my idea. What other woe-be-gotten strategies might work in sports? ESPN employed their own hell bent strategy by employing idiot commentator Rush Limbaugh and that worked OK, didn't it?

Matt Tait and I came up with a list we'd like to see implemented during the course of a game. The list also provides a glimpse into why we're both sitting in a press box instead of on the sidelines. You don't see the monkey's at the zoo playing with the customers, do you?

  • Super duper big fat goalie: The theory behind this ice hockey strategy is to employ a sumo wrestler as a net minder. And not just any sumo wrestler.

He's got to be huge, mind you. I mean 500 to 600 pounds of girth. We don't need any sumo who hasn't committed himself either. Those tiny 400 pounders won't suffice. We need somebody who has serious grocery bills invested in their kegs.

We'll just see if those mullet headed Czechs can squeeze one buy our new goalie.

  • Going for it on every fourth down: fourth and 1, go for it. Fourth and three go for it. Fourth and infinity, yep, go for it.

All systems are a go in this, the true Fun and Gun offense. When separated between the line of scrimmage and the first down marker, wherever on the field, go for glory.

You'd decrease your need for punters (saves on the salary cap), get more offensive possessions and no one could ever accuse you of being conservative. Dumb as a hot dog maybe, but never conservative.

  • Shoot all three pointers: never mind the ugly games played in the paint, our hoops team doesn't need anybody over six foot because we're hoisting anything on our side of half-court.

Other coaches such as Paul Westhead and Rick Pitino have used similar strategies of shooting the three-ball continuously but never to this magnitude.

By our estimations, shooting 50 percent on 90 possessions amounts to 135 points a game. How hard can it be to shoot 50 percent from three-point land?

Anybody know if Pistol Pete is still around?

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